Lukas White and the Seven Dwarfs
by NguyetMieu
Summary: (crack) Lukas White is a genius blessed with the ability to gamble and analyzing situations where she should fold or not. Oh, and she is also very ugly, which is why the Queen always try to get rid of her.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.**

* * *

When Lukas White is five years of age, the queen started to teach her daughter how to play cards and slots, as her Highness enjoyed that little pastime herself. There was one time when she lost an entire herd of cows to the perverted butcher in a bet to see which turtle crawled faster, the Queen collapsed with a pained moan and died three days later.

"I—I can't believe..." The queen croaked with a dying breath, "I lost to a—a porn—"

So starts the rumor about the Queen's last words being 'porn'.

In memory of his beautiful and kind wife that absolutely did not have an affair with a runaway farmer on the other side of the planet, the king decided to marry an ugly woman. Not your regular oh-I'm-so-ugly-I-should-die kind of ugly, mind you. The sheer ugliness of this lady is far, far beyond the scope of human comprehension, a miracle, a star-crossed stroke of—

Well, you get the general idea. Anyway, she possessed a magic mirror from god-knows-where and she often asked it the same question every single day.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest of them all?"

The totally ordinary mirror would replied with utmost sincerity, "My Queen, you are the ugliest of them all. Please stop asking me that already."

When you have a talking mirror in your house, I think it's about time you move out of there. ASAP.

The queen was extremely pleased with the answer, since the magic mirror never lie. Fast forward three months later and you will find that the king bit the dust and joined the previous queen in the same coffin; which means everyone has to dig the old queen's coffin out and throw the king in there. Ugh, the germs.

And if you didn't know already, the King died because he mistook rat poisoning for confetti and put it in his daily cup of hot chocolate, if any existed during that time. So the whole kingdom is in the ugly Queen's hand. Mwuahahahaha.

Let's talk about Lukas White. She is now eighteen years old, passed all the requirements for a driving license—oh wait wrong time wrong place—possessed a magical ugliness that no one can beat, and yes I did mean including the queen's own. But she has a deep, deep secret that no one know, for all who does has already died a painful death.

Well, I'm pretty sure that a heart attack after losing a dumb bet counts as one, anyway.

When the previous queen give birth to her, Lukas White's skin was actually as black as coal, so the king named her Lukas Black. Or Lukas Coal. Whichever name you prefers.

Then one lovely afternoon, the queen was so sleepy from last night's 'activities' with the king that when she boils hot water for the princess' daily milk consumption, she accidentally dropped Lukas Black, or Lukas Coal, into the pot. But thanks to that, her black skin fell off and she became Lukas White.

We will skip all the details about how she was a pampered princess and move onward to the queen's obviously evil plots. Lukas White's playful life was ruined when the Queen asked the mirror a question. No candy for anyone with half a brain that can guess.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest of them all?"

"My Queen, you are the ugliest here so true. But Lukas White is a thousand times more uglier than you. And stop asking me the same damn question."

The queen was fuming. "I have to be the ugliest out of everyone in this kingdom!" With that thought, she ordered a hunter to lure Lukas White into the forest. The man have to kill her and bring back her heart back as proof so the Queen can enjoy some cheddar cheese on a heart biscuit. Valentines' around the corner, after all. (Not really)

The hunter went to the Royal's Casino, where Lukas White was playing roulette with the drunk earls.

"Princess Lukas White?"

Said girl turned around, clearly annoyed for the interruption when she was on a winning streak, asked, "Who the hell are you? What do you want? And if you say what I think you are going to say, then no. I'm not interested in old men."

Ignoring the last remark, the hunter scowled, "I know a casino in the forest that is really easy to win, do you want to come with me? Don't worry; it's not like I'm trying to lure you into the forest to kill you and bring back your heart for the Queen to snack on anyway."

"Sure thing! And of course I'm not stupid enough to be lured by you anyway, so that's a moot point." Lukas White nodded, stood up and bitch-slapped the drunk Earls. "So long, suckers. I'd had enough fun trolling around with you today, so I'm going to find something else to waste my time on!"

Lukas White followed the hunter into the forest. The hunter pulled out an American butcher knife and yelled, "You are done for Lukas White! Prepare to die! Haha!"

Lukas White shivered, but shrugged it off and thought of a clever strategy. She pulled out a small bag of pure gold-shaped poop and placed it on the ground a good feet or two away from her.

The hunter stared, snatched the bag from the ground and walked out of the forest.

Left alone with her musings, Lukas White wandered around the forest. After finding nothing, she cursed the hunter.

"This place has nothing! Where's the easy-to-win casino?" She grumbled to herself.

Lukas White resumed walking until she saw a cottage with seven young saplings, seven mailboxes, seven BMW cars with wings, and seven trash cans. She kicked the doors open like a boss and saw a seven-legged table with seven chairs along with seven plates of curry. Exhausted and hungry, she dashed for the table like a mad woman and broke six chairs in the process. With tremendous power pulled out of her ass, she devoured all the curry in 0,9999999999999 second.

After she let out a contented burp, Lukas White jumped on the bed to sleep but all of them broke under her heavy weight. Finally she has to sleep in the laundry basket.

* * *

Lukas White heard a small noise as she woke up and saw the seven dwarves. Rainbow Dwarfs, to be exact. She immediately realized the implications of her predicament and exclaimed,

"Do you know how to play cards?"

"What is that?" One of them replied, clearly confused.

With her natural talent with anything involving games, she taught the dwarfs how to play cards properly. From that day on in history, the dwarfs has to go mining for gold to play cards with Lukas White instead of using the ores they mined to wipe their asses instead of paper towels. The peaceful wooden cottage became a raging casino in less than a week.

And as for the queen, she broke a few teeth because she chewed on the Redstone Heart instead of Lukas White's heart. She quickly asked the mirror after visiting a dentist, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ugliest of them all?"

"My queen, you are the ugliest here so true. But Lukas White beyond the mountains at the Seven Rainbow Dwarfs' place is a thousand times uglier than you! And like how I have been repeating myself for the last hundred times. Stop. Asking. The. Same. Question. Every. Single. Day FOR THE ADMIN'S SAKE!"

The queen smashed her head continuously against the wall until she fainted. The next morning her head was cleared despite sporting a rather large bump. She thought of a plan to destroy Lukas White forever. And oh plotting she did.

Lukas White got back her life from before. Thanks to her endless patience, the dwarfs now know how to play cards and other casino related games. Except for mining time, the small cottage basically turned into a first-rate casino.

One morning, the dwarfs went mining, again, and Lukas White was all alone when she heard a baby cry from outside. Curiosity piqued, she opened the door and saw a baby on the doorstep, crying. It was the evil Queen who had transformed into a baby to trick Lukas White.

The most surprising thing happened: Lukas White's good self rise. It was one of those thing that was automatically put on the blacklist of things that should not happen under any circumstances.

She ran to the baby and picked it up. The Queen took the chance and bit Lukas White's hand to transfer her specially made poison into the princess' bloodstream. Even though it didn't hurt, Lukas White dropped the baby in surprise and ran back into the house, remembering the dwarfs' wise words about strangers in the wood. But when she reached the door, Lukas White collapsed onto the ground.

The queen mentally cackled in triumph. She tried to yell the reverse spell to turn her back into an adult but in that exact moment she realized she has made a deadly mistake.

There is absolutely, utterly, and whatever-ly no way a baby can talk, let alone chanting a spell.

The Queen wailed for ten hours. Ten and a half hours later, she died because of malnutrition.

A mother's milk is the best baby food for healthy babies.

When the seven dwarfs came back, they were shocked to the core at the sight of Lukas White crumpled on the ground. They tried many method, including but not limited to ice bucket, money shower, hot soup dumping, alarm clock forest, but despite their best efforts, Lukas White just wouldn't wake up. They cried in pain and misery, "Lukas White! Why did you leave us?! You still have two months of house rent to pay!"

"The money that you lost on your bet yesterday, who'll pay for me?!"

"I haven't bash your head in for that rude remark about my mole! Why did you have to die?! I had wanted to be the one to kill you myself!"

As you can clearly see, the dwarfs were incredibly sad about Lukas White's death. They leave her out on the green grass in a gold coffin that has stains of you-know-what when the dwarves wiped their behind after handshaking with their life buddies, for her to enjoy the fresh air before burying.

But the Queen only use one sleeping pill in her poison concoction. So Lukas White slept blissfully for an entire day.

The next morning, Prince Jesse passed by the field to do whatever he normally do. He received the news of Lukas White's demise thanks to the friendly rainbow dwarfs that often orders slot machines from his kingdom. Prince Jess kneeled next to the coffin, making sure to stay a good distance from the horrific stench of poop, and confessed,

"You know, I am the prince of the Boring Kingdom. My father—King Super Boring the III—always taught me this: 'If you wish to be a good king, focus on the kingdom, not women'. So he gave me an important mission before he kicked the bucket—to find the ugliest woman in the world and marry her, so then I can finally become a proper King Super Boring the IV. I've heard of your legendary ugliness for a long time ago, Princess Lukas White, I really want to come and visit you but there aren't any bus or taxi available so I was real late. I thought I was emotionally ready to marry such an insult to beauty everywhere like you, but apparently that was not the case. Maybe the Admin saw my dilemma and stopped us from marrying each other. How lucky of me..."

There is a basic lesson in life; 'If you really want something from the Admin, offering is not a must, but there was a reason why it was heavily recommended.'

The Admin couldn't give two shits about Prince Jesse's speech so he let these words: 'marrying', 'prince's wife', 'filthy rich life' and 'free casino' into Lukas White's ear. Lukas White sat up immediately and got hit by a love arrow. Without waiting any longer, Lukas White pulled Prince Jesse into a hot kiss.

And they lived 'happily' ever after.

 **THE END**


End file.
